


Blood is Thicker Than Whatever This is...

by DragonWhiskers



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Confused Ben Solo, Crack, Crack - this is PURE CRACK, Crack AU, D/LF are ashamed of this and they should be, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Crack, Grumpy Grandpalps, Happy Granddaughter Rey, Here a Clone - There a Clone - Everywhere a Clone, I would rather see Rey excited then the shit that happened, I've done made it EXTRA SILLY, JarJar Abrams, Since all you can do is laugh now that we've cried so much, That's Not How Clones Work, The Force is Ashamed of this and TROS, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23021644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWhiskers/pseuds/DragonWhiskers
Summary: Crack fic to soothe the lingering sting of the total trainwreck that is TROS.Heavily inspired by How It Should Have Ended and excited to be a father Vader. Rey is super excited to meet an honest to god blood relative, her very own grandpa Palpatine.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 32
Kudos: 52
Collections: ReylOlds





	Blood is Thicker Than Whatever This is...

Rey stood before him, as he gave his final speech, beseeching her to strike him down, allowing his spirit to flow through her hate, channeling his soul into the last vessel that bares his blood. Her, his granddaughter, so she can take her rightful place on the Throne of the Sith as Empress Palpatine. 

"But...but, I want to get to know you. Be a family," She said quietly.

"What?"

"See, I've been dreaming about finally finding my family after all these years and now, oh! I'm just so happy!" She ran up and hugged him.

The Emperor was engulfed by a deceptively strong embrace. He was so shocked he didn't even move. She was touching him...what was this, sickening display of emotion? When he didn't think he could endure another moment of it, she let go and stepped back only to smile at him again.  


"I forgive you for not coming to get me, with you being stuck to this crane. But I'm here now, so let's get you off that thing and get you comfortable. Oh, this throne is made out of stone." He watched her stare at it and he could feel the thoughts churning in her mind, while he hung there, trapped.  


"That's no good. I'll have to get you some pillows and a blanket," Rey turned and pointed one of her lightsabers at a random guard, "You! Get my grandfather some pillows and a blanket." She barked at the acolyte.  


Palpatine was mildly amused at how fast she went to demanding and yelling at his servants and then back to smiling so wide his face hurt in sympathy for her cheeks. 

"Here," Rey cradled his hands in hers and he felt her Darkside energy transfer, enough so he could stand and be free of the life support apparatus. He hadn't stood on his own two feet in years. How - how had this irritatingly bubbly child done that?! Just as he was about to reach out to grab her arm and drain every last drop of life out of her, someone came running up with those pillows and a blanket his granddaughter demanded.  


She quickly swaddled him and forced him to sit on the throne, "There we go, all comfortable and sitting. Now lean forward, I'll put this one behind your back," She said as she stuffed a lumpy pillow behind him.

"There. See! So much better." She smiled at him some more and he thought he may have a tad hasty in confessing their blood relation as she pursed her lips and a tiny crease graced her brow. This child was clearly unhinged.  


"Though we really should move you someplace warmer. With sunshine and a nice hot climate. That would be better for you. Some fresh air could do wonders for your health! Jakku would be good, then I could show you all the places I used to scavenge." She was back to smiling at him as she tugged the blanket up over his lap and tucked it in beside him.

The idea of scavenging for a living made him stare at her as she chattered on...and on. Bless the Dark side, does this child ever stop talking?

"Oh, grandpa! I always wanted someone in my family to be with me. Tell me about our family. What was Grandma like? When did you two have my dad? Where did you grow up? Tell me about all the things you did! I want to know everything about you!"

He was dumbfounded as she smiled at him before she settled down at the foot of the throne, her hands resting lightly on his blanket covered knees, her head laying on her hands while she stared at him with the biggest doe eyes he'd ever seen. It was sickening how trusting and adoring she'd turned out to be.

Maybe he could use that...turn her. She was grossly overpowered when it came to the Force. Maybe she could be of use alive after all.  


He started to tell her of his glorious rule as Emperor. Of how he schemed, cajoled and wrestled his way into power. Of his tutelage in the Dark Side and how he'd ruled the known galaxy. 

He spoke of his many apprentices, none of which were ever able to take his place as a proper Sith Master should ascend, much to his disappointment.  


"Vader had the most potential, the most promise, but even he was overcome with sentiment in the end," 

"Vader - oh wait, Ben's grandfather! That's right. Anakin Skywalker - Darth Vader. I knew that name meant something to Ben." She smiled up at him again, "I haven't told you about Ben and I. Well, you see, he and I are pretty connected and I think I have feelings for him," Rey looked away, her eyes unfocused in the distance as she kept _talking..._

"But he keeps insisting on this dumb ugly mask. Even more so now that it's broken and glued back together. But that's not really important. What's important is that I want you two to get along. Can you get along with him for me?" She laid her head on her hands and turned her eyes back up at him.  


Palpatine blinked down at her in appalled shock. Was she really his blood? How could it be? Had his son truly sired...this sand-coated marshmallow of a girl?  


"Please continue grandpa. You were telling me about your last apprentice. I really do want to hear about everything," She smiled again before shifting to place her chin on top of her hands, looking up at him with such large eyes.

There was an odd sensation in him that the Emperor couldn't place. He'd never felt anything like it before. Her wide child-like wonder took him completely off guard and made his stomach flip-flop. 

He swallowed and started once again on the tale of how he manipulated his way into ruling the Empire. 

Some time had passed before the last Skywalker came running into the throne room, and the Emperor was truly glad for the distraction. 

"Ben!" Rey squealed at an unholy pitch, and he tried to mask his wince with a sneer as she jumped up and ran over to the hulking mass of a man-child that was descended from Anakin's blood.

The Emperor watched as confusion was met with gleeful enthusiasm. He could see the young Skywalker was no match for his granddaughter. As in the past, a Skywalker came to heel at the of the whim of a Palpatine. 

Rey joyfully dragged the boy over to the throne, a smile so bright that before he knew it, Palpatine himself was smiling at them. 

My, they did make a striking pair indeed, he thought. What strong force users they will sire. A truly powerful bloodline will arise from them. 

"Grandpa, this is Ben. Ben, this is my grandpa! A real living family member!" She bounced on her toes while still holding the boy's hand. For his part, the Emperor noted, the young Skywalker was trying to contend with her bubbling excitement. It seemed a foreign concept to the boy, but he too was losing against her. 

"Why'd it take you so long to get here?" She turned to look at the boy, craning her neck back, gently wiping at the bloody abrasion on the boy's cheek. 

Before he could even say a word she cut him off, "Oh, sorry about taking your TIE. I needed it to go talk to Luke. Oh here," she handed a lightsaber to him. "You keep this one. I've got your mum's to use unless you'd like her's instead?" 

"Mom had a lightsaber?" 

"Yeah, she did. I found out after I set your TIE on fire,"

"You set my TIE -!?"

"Oops. Shouldn't have said that. Sorry," She had the decency to look sheepish at least. 

Ben's eyes widened comically and he stammered it was fine, even as he gripped Anakin's saber a little tighter. 

The Emperor couldn't help but laugh at how whipped this boy was. She had him wrapped around her little finger it seemed. Maybe she really was his blood after all. 

Rey was still holding the boy's hand when she looked back at the Emperor, smiling with a faint blush on her cheeks. 

"Grandpa was telling me about his time ruling the empire and he knows an awful lot about your grandfather too. Sit. We can listen so more before we leave for Jakku," 

"Jakku? Why are we going to Jakku?" Ben's eyebrow nearly met as he looked at her. 

"I want to take him someplace warm and dry. The climate would be better for him then this damp, cold cave," She waved her hand vaguely around, "Besides he said he had a research facility there. I'm sure it will be better equipped than here." 

The Emperor blinked, his smile falling into stunned shock, she really had been listening to him. 

Ben gaped at her too. "But - why?"

"Oh, I want to help get him back up on his feet so he can attend our wedding before he retires for good." 

Both men sputtered and stared at her while Rey grinned at them with a maniacal glint in her eyes. They both swallowed, looking at each other, only to realize they had both truly lost.

She really was a Palpatine after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This insane idea has made me giggle and chuckle and that is all that it needs to do.


End file.
